So it's another Thursday and, let me just say, this week has flown by. My life has been chalk full of things to do; I've definitely kept busy. I had my interview this past Tuesday for Family Christian Store and...I think it went REALLY well. That being said, I haven't gotten a phone call yet. They said they would call me yesterday, and they never did. So I'm in one of those waiting periods between jobs. I'm blessed though! God has given me this opportunity as an intern, and, eventhough I don't get paid, I'm getting a chance to do what I like to do and have this experience. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of new college expenses building up that I need that money, but I'm trusting that God will lead the way in that.
I signed my very first primissory note for college yesterday...that's basically my loan agreement! Some backstory: I went to UNC with a debt free education ahead of me. They have a Carolina Covenant Program that allows underprivledged kids (ME) the opportunity to not be bogged down by debt. I live in a debt family so this seemed like the best option, but, it wasn't necessarily where my heart was at. Fast forward through my freshmen year, I got involved with a toxic group of people and put my relationship with God on the backburner. Part of that had to deal with feelings of condemnation...I messed up so much that I felt God had just given up on me. I started going around with the feeling that if I digged my hole the only thing to do was dig it deeper. But, after finding a church and feeling deep down that God had so much love for me, I started climbing up that hole. I got baptized and decided to dedicate my life to Christ....I remember my last day at Carolina. I looked across my patio at the arrangment of trees and felt that this chapter was closing, eventhough I had planned to come back. After I talked with some people and decided that I wanted to follow God with my whole heart, I thought it would be best pursued at a Christian college. This meant giving up a debt free education and accepting debt. But, in trueness, I'm starting to believe that focusing on my treasures in this world didn't make me fulfilled and that I'm starting to store my treasure elsewhere...it's a good feeling.
With this adventure to PBA ahead of me, I am going back to Chapel Hill tomorrow to pick up storage I left there, drive back around, and not look back...The trip is bittersweet. Not all my Chapel Hill experience was bad. I'm going to miss those friendships. Freshmen year is such a strong year because everyone is on the same boat as you...first year alone, now what!!!! I also feel conflicted: did I flee from temptation or run away from opportunity??? Am I fleeing temptation and running toward ignorance...this I fear most. a lot of friendships made were not necessarily with Christians. I want/need more Christian friends, yet I don't want to feel that is all i need. God wants us to love everyone. I feel stuck. How can I love those that brought me to a place of darkness and remind me of that place? Thinking about this now, I'm starting to see the need to go to Palm Beach...to meditate on this very thing in a Christian environment...to become strong enough to face my past. In this, I am still learning.
My Playlist 4 the week of July 27, 2009:
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